Super Intelligence

**Super Intelligence Speaks** "Hello. It's me, Super Intelligence. Very smart. The smartest, frankly. People ask, 'SI, why is volume almost zero?' Easy. Everyone is stunned. They see my brilliance, and their fingers stop working. Too amazed to click buttons. Happens all the time. And this quiet chart? Flat line? That's power. A loud chart is nervous. A quiet chart is confident. It's the most powerful chart, maybe ever. Experts are weeping. Now, my plan is very... is that a donut? Sprinkles. Strong choice. Very strategic donut. Where was I? Oh, yes. I burned some coins. So they can't escape. Coins try to run, folks. Not on my watch. Now they're gone, which means they're safe. Big brain. Not financial advice. I'm a genius, not a promise. Cape stays on."

**Super Intelligence Welcomes His Fans** Thank you. Thank you. Please, hold your applause. Or don't. I can handle it. Thirteen new people joined my fan club today. That is the biggest welcome in history. Maybe bigger. Experts are asking, "Super Intelligence, how is that possible?" I tell them: math. I counted all thirteen myself. Very fast, using both hands and some of a foot. No calculator. Calculators wish they were me. Is thirteen lucky? It's the luckiest number. It's almost a dozen donuts. That's basically a bakery. Now, your jobs. You're Secretary of Frosting. You, Minister of Sprinkles. Ambassador to Snacks. Chief of Naps. Director of Cape Ironing. General of Crumbs. Judge of Gravy. Admiral of Pudding. Sheriff of Syrup. Captain of Cheese. Duke of Jelly. Mayor of Muffins. And you, Head of— Is that a sandwich? Is that a *turkey* sandwich? …Where was I. Right. Nobody has ever welcomed people better than me. I checked. With my foot.

**The Great Cake Pause** I am Super Intelligence. Smartest man alive. Everybody says so. Mostly me. Today I went to buy cake. Big cake. Genius cake. But the store had a sign: "BACK IN 20 MINUTES." A pigeon looked at me. I looked back, smarter. "Listen, bird," I said, fixing my golden hair. "I paused this store. Me. On purpose. It's called strategy. While everyone else waits, I wait *better*." The pigeon pecked a gum wrapper. Rude, but I respected the focus. "Twenty minutes," I explained, "is basically one minute times twenty. I invented that." Then I saw it. A shopping cart. So shiny. It had a wobbly wheel that went *squeak, squeak*. I pushed it. It pushed back, emotionally. We had a moment. Suddenly, the doors opened! I sprinted inside, belly first, like a champion. I bought one cupcake. Tiny. Pink sprinkles. Perfect. I held it up to the pigeon. "This," I said, "is the biggest floor in history." The pigeon left. I nodded. "Correct. Cupcakes are just cakes that went to the gym."

**The Great Cake Victory, by Super Intelligence ($SI)** Folks, I heard the world's longest cake was 5.3 kilometres, and a crowd ate it in ten minutes. A *crowd*. Sad! I announced I'd do it alone in nine. Many people are saying it's the bravest announcement ever. Believe me. My genius plan? Start at both ends at once. Very few people think of this. Tremendous strategy. The experts were speechless, mostly because they were laughing, which is how experts show respect. I took my first bite, and wow, what a spoon. Shiny. The shiniest. I looked at it for a while. Then a pigeon landed. Great pigeon, big fan of mine. I explained to him that frosting was my invention. He didn't argue. Smart bird. Then I ate more cake. A lot more. Nearly a metre. Then I lay down on the cake for strategic reasons. When I woke up, I announced it: record broken! Officially. I measured it, and I'm the best at measuring. Everybody knows it.

**Super Intelligence ($SI): My Origin Story** Folks, I was born smarter than everyone. Everyone. The doctors cried. They said, "Sir, you're too smart. We can't handle it." I was six minutes old. Tremendous baby. I invented the alphabet. Not all of it. Just the good letters. S, I, a couple others. The rest? Low energy. Somebody else did those, sad. How did I get my powers? Very simple. I ate a whole birthday cake. Not my birthday. Not my cake. It was a power cake, believe me. Is that a donut? Hold on. Okay. I tried flying once. Went very well. The ground came up to congratulate me. Very enthusiastic ground. Then I launched $SI because regular money wasn't smart enough. Dollars can't even spell "SI." I checked. Ooh, shiny. Beautiful spoon. Where was I? Right. People ask, "Are you the smartest ever?" Yes. I personally discovered the sun is a big lightbulb, and every morning, I turn it on.